come on baby, cover me

i have long been on the quest for the perfect cover song, but along the way, i've stumbled upon many that i feared might make my ears bleed out and fall off.

covering a song well is an art form, and there are rules that dictate the craft.

1. never cover a song that can not possibly be improved upon. when this rule is broken, the effects are disastrous. see:

• madonna's cover of american pie (or the brady bunch's cover of it for that matter)
  
• sheryl crowe's cover of sweet child o' mine
• olivia newton john's cover of ring of fire
• all saints cover of under the bridge (far beyond painful)
  
• celine dion's cover of you shook me all night long (you truly have to WATCH this one to appreciate the pain)

(no idea re: the identity of the drag queen singing with celine. given that she's in vegas, it's probably the the hotel manager or something.)

2. don't just speed up the song and make it punk or add a banjo and call it country. for true cover song pwnage

CHANGE the song. give the song a completely new meaning. see:

• hem's cover of jackson
• nina gordon's cover of straight outta compton
• johnny cash's version of hurt (a cover so powerful that it caused trent reznor to claim, "that song isn't mine anymore"
  

3. don't be afraid to cover your own song if you think you can add to its awesomeness. bonnie prince billy did an entire album covering his own songs (although to be clear, he was technically covering the songs of palace). although to be more clear, palace = palace brothers = will olham = bonnie prince billy. see also:

• eric clapton's cover of layla (i know a lot of people vehemently HATE this version bc the original is so rawk, but i think both are muy fabuloso)
  

4. if you cover a song the right way, no one will ever remember that someone else did it first. see:

• pasty cline's cover of crazy
• whitney's cover of i will always love you
• mariah's cover of bringing on the heartache (i know this is a stretch, but i am a huge mariah fan, and this is my blog, so i'm allowed to make whatever the hell kind of claim i want.)
  

i'm in a hurry to get to a BBQ, so i'm through with my little rule list for the time being. i might tack on one or two later if the mood strikes.

i went ahead and did you a little favor. i compiled my 12 all-time favorite cover songs (excluding songs that are beyond classic like hendrix's version of all along the watchtower, cyndi lauper's take on IKO IKO with a paul reubens cameo at the end, and guns n roses' rendition of live and let die). click HERE for my mix. if you have any suggestions for swap outs, i will consider them.

don't even think of suggesting michael jackson's cover of come together. i hate it.

also, you should know that as soon as i master my banjo i plan on starting some sort of a willie nelson tribute band. it's going to be bluegrass meets indie rock meets flight of the conchords. if you have any musical talent and you live in the cincy or boston area then you're welcome to join me. i need everything except a banjo player.update: okay. i went ahead and finally watched/listened to the def leppard version of bringing on the heartache. i feel compelled to admit that the original version is, in fact, better than mariah's cover. DAMMIT. i hate it when that happens. i know my two younger sisters won't believe me when i say that something could be better than mariah, so be your own judge:



those flag shorty-shorts on the drummer alone...sigh...

this is how i mux

teh hottest thing on the 2.0 scene this week appears to be muxtapes. never one to shy away from the latest trend, i made a wicked spectacular one for all of you. to listen, just click on the magical cassette tape you see above, and away you goooooooooooooooooooo.

if you, too, have a muxtape you'd like to share, give me the link in the comments. i love new music almost as much as i love teacup pigs and forks.

shhhh! she's coming!

i've been to about three zillion surprise parties in my day, but prior to last night i had never been to one where i honest-to-god believed that the surprisee was legitimately surprised. check it out:

SURPRISE! from blissforkface on Vimeo.

i should note, if anyone deserved to have an amazing (and surprising) birthday, it would be coley. the girl is not only heart achingly gorgeous, she is also brainy, funny, and one of the most gracious people i've ever known (i say this barely knowing her, so she's obv made a rather large impression on me).did i mention she's from the east coast?

oh yes, she is definitely from the east coast.

not that i'm saying that east coast chicks are better than west coast chicks, but that's exactly what i'm saying.

it was heartwarming to see so many people step out to wish coley a happy birthday (on a wednesday no less, which i know isn't a big deal for all of the 2.0 kids, but for people like me who have to be at work at 7 in the morning, it's kind-of brutal).the party was fun, the food was divine, the people were marvy, and the night even yielded a fauxtograph:

faux-tograph from blissforkface on Vimeo.
my friend emily taught me the word fauxtograph, and it's one of my favorites. in case you don't know the word (and/or aren't smaaaaaht enough to pick it up from context clues) it's the end product of accidentally leaving a digital camera on the video setting and then trying to take a snapshot. tres fancy, n'est-ce pas?

big thanks to ariel & tantek for letting me escort them to the party. even bigger thanks to kevin for throwing the whole thing together.

OH MY GOD! EARTHQUAKE!

holy jumping jesus. i totally just felt an earthquake.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand an aftershock.

wow. today rules.

anyhow, i also want to issue a medium size thanks to cam for drawing my attention to cellfoam. i will be ordering one promptly.
per my usual protocol, the rest of the pics from the event are up on flickr.

you say hello, and i say good-bye

it looks like quite a few people missed the official memo, so here goes nothing:

i am leaving california

i signed my pee+gee paperwork last week, and i will start my new job in either cincinnati or boston on either april 28, may 12, or june 1. in mid-april i will receive my marching orders and then i will be able to give you more information.

many of you know that i had been chasing down one last job that would keep me in the bay area. i did 2 interviews, nailed them both, but didn't get the job. sad? i'm not sure. all of the women in the office wore batik or peasant skirts, and one of them described the company as "70% activists and 30% meditators". add to that the fact that the office has a huge, centrally located meditating space, and if you know me well, you know that i probably wouldn't have lasted more than a month there without punching someone out. i don't gel well with the patchouli and hemp crowd.

alas, i think everything worked out for the best, and i'm excited about my new job in consumer & market knowledge. for years i've been stuck with the same limited set of entertaining party facts:

• hispanics like things that are orange scented
• hispanics brush their teeth less often than white people
• hispanic women use huge fat enormous disgusting maxi pads because they are afraid of tampons and don't believe that thin pads actually work
• hispanics prefer spray-on deodorants
  
• top selling items are placed lower in predominantly asian markets because asians are short

finally i will learn new facts. i will have new insight to share. i will take consumer needs, and help turn those needs into actual products. hooray!

the only thing i'm sad about is leaving my amazing group of friends. i could not, in my wildest dreams, conjure up a finer set of people to have my back. i officially promise to write (real letters) often, visit as frequently as possible, and consider taking my 2nd role with the company (after 18 months in my first role) in the bay area.

i also pledge to sing "california dreaming" every time i go to a karaoke bar, even though it's really hard to sing without back-up vocalists.

a festering case of the sickies

i have the flu.

fricking sucks.

the end.

let her eat cake

alcohol is not my friend.

. . . it's my LOVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

i went out on a bender last night.

things started off fairly civilized. i stopped by the best lower haight video store to pick up something to watch later with ryanee and then i sprinted from the lower haight to the mission while drinking a can of sparks light out of a paper bag. why was i sprinting? well, i didn't want to be late for my friend dominic's birthday dinner, of course.
i left dinner slightly early (and only remotely more drunk than i was when i got there) to meet my friend jp (and 2 of his friends) at the 500 club.jp and i met in the turks & caicos islands in 1998 while we were studying tropical marine resource management. jp was one of my favorite people on the island. most of the other people we studied with are now fat, married, with children, or all three. we, however, are hott as hell, fancy as fuck, and still partying like rock stars. also (and i like to bring this up every time i see jp) i took a punch in the kidneys and a slap in the face from a jealous girl over him. that's gangsta love, bitch. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaangstaaaaaaaaaaaaaa love. just look at him, though. it was so worth it. i would do it again in a heartbeat.

incidentally, the girl who beat me up is now a science teacher in maryland (god bless google). i would totally make fun of her, but i think science is cool, so whatever.

anyhow, hellllllllllllllllooooo? back to me. hocus pocus, FOCUS.

ryanee met up with me at the 500 club, and when jp left, ryanee took over as my drinking buddy. this is where things begin to get hazy.
i remember saying good-bye to dominic and dan and leaving the 500 club on foot.at this point my memories of the evening only exist because ryanee started to capture my erratic behavior on film.

perfect example: at a certain point on the walk home i apparently gave up english in favor of parseltongue (and SHUT UP SLUTRA, i am NOT IN SLYTHERIN!).

parseltongue from blissforkface on Vimeo.

still speaking in tongue, i wanted to make sure everyone remembered to change their clocks for daylight savings time. wait for it. the PSA comes at the very end.

public service announcement from blissforkface on Vimeo.
did you catch it? did you remember to change your clocks? does anyone even have clocks anymore?

we walked and walked and walked until i broke down in panic. i desperately needed cake and a bathroom. holla at the big gay safeway in the sky.

late night safeway expedition from blissforkface on Vimeo.
luckily, after 7 sweeps of the bakery section, i found my cake. or rather ryanee found my cake because i refused to leave without it. we bought the cake and the danish to eat back at ryanee's place, but i just couldn't hold back.

eureka from blissforkface on Vimeo.
yum. cake. it's too bad i dropped half of it onto ryanee's bike. alas, with the danish strapped into place, we walked the final 7 blocks. i woke up this morning to a half eaten danish in front of me, so i'm guessing we enjoyed it.

the best part of all...i'm tired today, but i don't have a headache and i didn't throw up. somehow i'm getting my liver filtration capabilities back to the way they were in my golden days of yore. maybe it's all the exercising i've been doing lately. whatever it is, it's amazing.

or dangerous.

either way, i wish i remembered eating that cake. it looks crazy delicious in the video.

true story

scene:
small town alabama in the early 80s
a moderate house
an unusually long driveway
a dog constantly chained up (with one of those nasty choker chains) to a tree in the backyard
a woman caught up in a loveless and abusive marriage

plot:
after years of unhappiness, the woman decides she needs to extricate herself from her predicament. slowly the bottles appear. one. then another. then two more. the neighbors begin to ask questions. first and foremost, they ask her why she has begun to line the edges of her driveway with her empty wine bottles. the woman tells them that she is planning on leaving her husband, and when she sets the final bottle into place she will drive away and never come back.

on one brisk autumn afternoon that fateful bottle is put into position. with both sides of the driveway fully fenced in by misery, the woman retreats inside her house. hours later, her car fully packed, the woman drives back home to new orleans and is never heard from again.

disclaimer:
i know this story is true because i work with the woman who was her next door neighbor.

tie in:
if you've been following the last 9 months or so of my life, you'll know that i've been playing a waiting game. in a way, i feel like i've been lining a driveway of an undisclosed length. i moved out to california thinking that i would only be here for 6 weeks. nearly 6 months later, i'm still putting down my bottles and hoping that the end of the driveway is near.

this is not to say i've been miserable. one of my friends claims that i have a gift for finding joy in the absolutely mundane. on paper, you couldn't pay me enough to live my life, but in actuality, i am doing wonderfully except for the waiting. the waiting kills me.

my driveway:
i say with great confidence that last week as i was placing one of my daily bottles down, i finally saw the end of my driveway. today is friday. in five days (wednesday, march 12th), i will know if i should start packing up my car to leave, or if i should wait another 2 months for the moving truck. i will either be moving 45 minutes west (into the san francisco city limits) to begin my dream job or i will be heading east to either cincinnati or boston (either of which would be fine by me) to begin a job which is not necessarily my dream job, but one that is an amazing growth opportunity and will lead me one step closer to getting my dream job down the pipeline. for the first time i can remember, i'm in a win-win-win situation where all roads lead to awesome.

check back on wednesday for more details (although i might know the scoop as soon as monday evening).