thanks to my friend photizzle, i will never forget santacon2007:
nor will i ever forget my first (but not last) bellybutton piercing:
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
pigskin and pork rinds
how is is that NO ONE I KNOW IS THROWING A SUPERBOWL PARTY THIS YEAR?
throw one. invite me. the end.
note: i'll bring good food and cheap beer
other note: while i was writing this i got sharp cravings for papa john's cheese stix. i'm talking IMMEASURABLE cravings, y'all. i worked at papa john's for one day once, but then my supervisor hinted blatantly that he wanted to put his sausage all over my dough and i immediately quit. strangely this bad experience didn't make me love papa john's any less.
where's the party?
throw one. invite me. the end.
note: i'll bring good food and cheap beer
other note: while i was writing this i got sharp cravings for papa john's cheese stix. i'm talking IMMEASURABLE cravings, y'all. i worked at papa john's for one day once, but then my supervisor hinted blatantly that he wanted to put his sausage all over my dough and i immediately quit. strangely this bad experience didn't make me love papa john's any less.
where's the party?
Saturday, January 26, 2008
pain is inevitable. misery is optional.
douglas fitch, former pastor at glide memorial methodist church in san francisco once said, "pain is inevitable. misery is optional".
i wouldn't hesitate to describe my post-graduate school job search as painful. i've turned down jobs i probably should have taken. i've been turned down for jobs i would have given my arms and legs to have. i've been offered jobs that were un-offered to me and the re-offered to me within a matter of days. and i can't count the number of times a job has started out in boston, but ended up in a place like los angeles or fayetteville by the time i received an offer.
more than one person has told me that i'm being too picky. to those people i again quote douglas fitch, and say, "the tragedy of life is not failure, but aiming too low and becoming complacent with what you have." i refuse to be underpaid, undervalued, uninspired, and living beneath my cosmic potential. I WANT MORE.
i also want a zillion dollars, so let me know if you can help me out with that.
i've been thinking a lot about my life lately, and i've come to the conclusion that many people have come to before me: life is not so much about finding yourself as it is about creating yourself; and it is never too late to become who you are supposed to be. i am supposed to be AMAZING. i know this. you know this. everyone knows this. amazing is my destiny.
losing 10 pounds in also my destiny, and i started yesterday. 144.2 and please hold me accountable. if i actually make it down to 134.2 i will be the skinniest i've been in 5 years. holla' at a soon-to-be flat chested girl!
something else unrelated to the fact that i ate salad for lunch today and almost vomited because i hate salad as much as i hate long puffy pubes. . . i love my friends:
oh, and sorry about that whole false alarm about my blog going black. i was miserable for about 9 hours and then i decided that misery was not an option i enjoyed. i've done the misery thing before, and honestly, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
i wouldn't hesitate to describe my post-graduate school job search as painful. i've turned down jobs i probably should have taken. i've been turned down for jobs i would have given my arms and legs to have. i've been offered jobs that were un-offered to me and the re-offered to me within a matter of days. and i can't count the number of times a job has started out in boston, but ended up in a place like los angeles or fayetteville by the time i received an offer.
more than one person has told me that i'm being too picky. to those people i again quote douglas fitch, and say, "the tragedy of life is not failure, but aiming too low and becoming complacent with what you have." i refuse to be underpaid, undervalued, uninspired, and living beneath my cosmic potential. I WANT MORE.
i also want a zillion dollars, so let me know if you can help me out with that.
i've been thinking a lot about my life lately, and i've come to the conclusion that many people have come to before me: life is not so much about finding yourself as it is about creating yourself; and it is never too late to become who you are supposed to be. i am supposed to be AMAZING. i know this. you know this. everyone knows this. amazing is my destiny.
losing 10 pounds in also my destiny, and i started yesterday. 144.2 and please hold me accountable. if i actually make it down to 134.2 i will be the skinniest i've been in 5 years. holla' at a soon-to-be flat chested girl!
something else unrelated to the fact that i ate salad for lunch today and almost vomited because i hate salad as much as i hate long puffy pubes. . . i love my friends:
oh, and sorry about that whole false alarm about my blog going black. i was miserable for about 9 hours and then i decided that misery was not an option i enjoyed. i've done the misery thing before, and honestly, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Friday, January 25, 2008
meh.
i'm going black for a few days while i sort out some stuff in my life that is less than optimal. in the meantime, feel free to check my flickr stream if you want to know what i'm up to.
don't worry. i'm not going to go heath ledger or britbrit on you...i just need time to think about why my life always seems to go from tres bien to trash bucket in a matter of seconds.
and despite what you might have heard around the water cooler, i am NOT moving to arkansas. SO THERE. i categorically refuse to accept that the dirty south is my fate. i saw a robeen (pron: row-bean)(definition: robin) on my doorstep today and robeens are harbingers of positive life changes. my sister said that it's not robeen season, but i live in california. season? what's that?
don't worry. i'm not going to go heath ledger or britbrit on you...i just need time to think about why my life always seems to go from tres bien to trash bucket in a matter of seconds.
and despite what you might have heard around the water cooler, i am NOT moving to arkansas. SO THERE. i categorically refuse to accept that the dirty south is my fate. i saw a robeen (pron: row-bean)(definition: robin) on my doorstep today and robeens are harbingers of positive life changes. my sister said that it's not robeen season, but i live in california. season? what's that?
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
if you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance
as much as i sometimes want to strangle individual members of my family, i would never trade any of them in for newer or improved models.
we've got drunks (they prefer to be called winos), control freaks, indie rockers, academics, compulsive liars, lost souls, up-and-comers, drama queens, and a smattering of other interesting archetypes. we've got all of those in limited quantities, but what we have en masse are creatives and comedians.
i can't remember a day spent with my family where i didn't laugh so hard my belly ached. whether it was roo confessing to the family that the middle seat of the van was really good for making out on, nessa stripping down in the van in the broad daylight, or my mom and her boyfriend doing a cross-dressing musical theatre piece at the summer cottage, everyone has, in their own way, enriched my life through hilarity.
(that is my mom's hand in the pic...i can't remember if she was shielding her own sight line from her daughter's crotch or if she was trying to get us girls in the back to stop taking pics)
the other day i almost peed my pants at the response i got when i sent out an e-mail to my mom and 2 of my sisters asking about a family recipe. here's the transcript:
me: is the recipe for modgepodge written down anywhere? i'm wicked hungry for it.
mom: I don't know what that is - maybe the tortellini w/ squash, etc? If so, it is not written down. I could tell you when I have a little more time.
me: YES! tortellini with squish. MAAAAAN that modgepodge is delicious. wooo hoooo.
aside to you: don't worry...you haven't missed the funny part yet...here it comes:
ariel: ummmmm...
1 pinch of polka dots
2 sleevefulls of stripes
1 cup of belts
2 tbs. of pizazz
1 tbs. of green, blue, and red sprinkles
3 tsp. plaid
preheat oven to bake at 345 degrees. grease a robert, put all ingredients in and cook for 20 min. until it razzle dazzles to the touch.
i laughed, and laughed, and laaaaaaaaaughed. it turns out she had no idea what modgepodge was, but just decided to invent a recipe that had a lot of weird crap in it. incidentally, a "robert" (as in "grease a robert") is a rectangular ceramic baking dish. long story, and robert died in my arms last christmas, so it's fairly inappropriate to be blogging about him so soon.
speaking of the holidays, i threw an enormous fit on xmas eve because my mother decided that she would boil live lobsters in the kitchen. an ENORMOUS fit. like...a fit that a seven year old child would throw. after a few hours passed (and i refused to eat dinner with the family or talk to anyone, blah blah blah) i needed a way to somehow ease the tension of the situation. i decided to go upstairs, take a shower, and come back downstairs (right past the dinner table) nonchalantly wearing a red stretch lace catsuit with an unsnappable butthole.
i garnished a few laughs as i casually strolled by everyone, and i heard my mother say, "please tell me that she was wearing underwear with that". soon enough roo came down to the basement with her camera to make sure she documented the fashion atrocity in action. i have a video of me in the suit dancing to beyonce, but that might just be a smidge too humiliating for me to post this early on in the year.
what is not too humiliating to post is the day in late 2006 when my sister roo's "form" emerged. ariel invented forms over a decade ago. forms are basically spirits who you can channel through your body. ree has an entire gaggle of forms; forms like yanna, yankee, bush, flower, pierre s. cardo, and bowtie noodle. i can channel star pastene (an italian chef) and millificent beret (a tempermental french artist) (i feel like i'm forgetting an important one...hmm...). roo had never shown any aptitude for channeling forms until this family dinner:
straight from milano from blissforkface on Vimeo.
wow. check out that fine italian stallion. roo's first form proved to be both unique AND exotic.
i guess we've all used comedy as a way to overcome tragedy. one of my former roommates used to get really mad at me because i would always make light of serious situations in my life (feels better to laugh than to cry, right?). my family has been through mental illness, divorce, deadbeat dads, alcoholism, more divorce, dropping out, drug use, long periods of unemployment, and all sorts of other exciting and topical after school specials. we've been able to avoid teenage pregnancy and death (thank god), but we hit up just about everything else. nothing killed us, and in the end, it probably did make us all stronger. it certainly bonded us together in a way we will never escape from.
is laughter really the best medicine? i'm willing to bet that valium is pretty sweet, but given that my health insurance doesn't kick in for another month or two, i'm sticking with daily doses of lols, rotfls, and hahahas for the time being.
luckily i am not one of the family members who lose control and pee everywhere when they get drunk.
we've got drunks (they prefer to be called winos), control freaks, indie rockers, academics, compulsive liars, lost souls, up-and-comers, drama queens, and a smattering of other interesting archetypes. we've got all of those in limited quantities, but what we have en masse are creatives and comedians.
i can't remember a day spent with my family where i didn't laugh so hard my belly ached. whether it was roo confessing to the family that the middle seat of the van was really good for making out on, nessa stripping down in the van in the broad daylight, or my mom and her boyfriend doing a cross-dressing musical theatre piece at the summer cottage, everyone has, in their own way, enriched my life through hilarity.
(that is my mom's hand in the pic...i can't remember if she was shielding her own sight line from her daughter's crotch or if she was trying to get us girls in the back to stop taking pics)the other day i almost peed my pants at the response i got when i sent out an e-mail to my mom and 2 of my sisters asking about a family recipe. here's the transcript:
me: is the recipe for modgepodge written down anywhere? i'm wicked hungry for it.
mom: I don't know what that is - maybe the tortellini w/ squash, etc? If so, it is not written down. I could tell you when I have a little more time.
me: YES! tortellini with squish. MAAAAAN that modgepodge is delicious. wooo hoooo.
aside to you: don't worry...you haven't missed the funny part yet...here it comes:
ariel: ummmmm...
1 pinch of polka dots
2 sleevefulls of stripes
1 cup of belts
2 tbs. of pizazz
1 tbs. of green, blue, and red sprinkles
3 tsp. plaid
preheat oven to bake at 345 degrees. grease a robert, put all ingredients in and cook for 20 min. until it razzle dazzles to the touch.
i laughed, and laughed, and laaaaaaaaaughed. it turns out she had no idea what modgepodge was, but just decided to invent a recipe that had a lot of weird crap in it. incidentally, a "robert" (as in "grease a robert") is a rectangular ceramic baking dish. long story, and robert died in my arms last christmas, so it's fairly inappropriate to be blogging about him so soon.
speaking of the holidays, i threw an enormous fit on xmas eve because my mother decided that she would boil live lobsters in the kitchen. an ENORMOUS fit. like...a fit that a seven year old child would throw. after a few hours passed (and i refused to eat dinner with the family or talk to anyone, blah blah blah) i needed a way to somehow ease the tension of the situation. i decided to go upstairs, take a shower, and come back downstairs (right past the dinner table) nonchalantly wearing a red stretch lace catsuit with an unsnappable butthole.
i garnished a few laughs as i casually strolled by everyone, and i heard my mother say, "please tell me that she was wearing underwear with that". soon enough roo came down to the basement with her camera to make sure she documented the fashion atrocity in action. i have a video of me in the suit dancing to beyonce, but that might just be a smidge too humiliating for me to post this early on in the year.what is not too humiliating to post is the day in late 2006 when my sister roo's "form" emerged. ariel invented forms over a decade ago. forms are basically spirits who you can channel through your body. ree has an entire gaggle of forms; forms like yanna, yankee, bush, flower, pierre s. cardo, and bowtie noodle. i can channel star pastene (an italian chef) and millificent beret (a tempermental french artist) (i feel like i'm forgetting an important one...hmm...). roo had never shown any aptitude for channeling forms until this family dinner:
straight from milano from blissforkface on Vimeo.
wow. check out that fine italian stallion. roo's first form proved to be both unique AND exotic.
i guess we've all used comedy as a way to overcome tragedy. one of my former roommates used to get really mad at me because i would always make light of serious situations in my life (feels better to laugh than to cry, right?). my family has been through mental illness, divorce, deadbeat dads, alcoholism, more divorce, dropping out, drug use, long periods of unemployment, and all sorts of other exciting and topical after school specials. we've been able to avoid teenage pregnancy and death (thank god), but we hit up just about everything else. nothing killed us, and in the end, it probably did make us all stronger. it certainly bonded us together in a way we will never escape from.
is laughter really the best medicine? i'm willing to bet that valium is pretty sweet, but given that my health insurance doesn't kick in for another month or two, i'm sticking with daily doses of lols, rotfls, and hahahas for the time being.
luckily i am not one of the family members who lose control and pee everywhere when they get drunk.
Monday, January 14, 2008
and i'm not marching down the aisle to that god awful "here comes the bride" shit
so i figure now that i have a job and insurance, i might as well go one step farther into crazyland and just get married already.
if anyone out there is game, here are the rings i want (available at your nearest tiffany & co):
i couldn't really find a good dress online in ten minutes, but the one shown below is big and red and it would do the trick in a pinch (also, it kind of looks like there are upside-down forks on the skirt part). ideally i want something more vintage and housewifey (think 1950s style...like this or this or this or this), but red is a non-negotiable. please make sure your mom won't pitch a fit about my color choice.
in terms of kids, i want 6, and i already have their names picked out:
tegan, evangeline, acadia, milo (milo is a girl), giddeon, and granville. i'm negotiable on giddeon and granville, but i'll never agree to anything like david or tom or scooter, so if those are your ideas of good names then stop right there. i will also never agree to aiden, hayden, jayden, or brayden. ditto for dakota, austin, madison, london, new jersey, or paris.
that's about it.
it'd be super if your last name is rockefeller (because THEN, and only then, i would change mine to match yours). also, you receive bonus points if you own a summer house on the cape.
there are still 11 good marrying months left in 2008, so you have a while to make it all happen. please leave proposals in my comments, as well as suggestions for marching music and reception/honeymoon locations.
if anyone out there is game, here are the rings i want (available at your nearest tiffany & co):
i couldn't really find a good dress online in ten minutes, but the one shown below is big and red and it would do the trick in a pinch (also, it kind of looks like there are upside-down forks on the skirt part). ideally i want something more vintage and housewifey (think 1950s style...like this or this or this or this), but red is a non-negotiable. please make sure your mom won't pitch a fit about my color choice.
in terms of kids, i want 6, and i already have their names picked out:tegan, evangeline, acadia, milo (milo is a girl), giddeon, and granville. i'm negotiable on giddeon and granville, but i'll never agree to anything like david or tom or scooter, so if those are your ideas of good names then stop right there. i will also never agree to aiden, hayden, jayden, or brayden. ditto for dakota, austin, madison, london, new jersey, or paris.
that's about it.
it'd be super if your last name is rockefeller (because THEN, and only then, i would change mine to match yours). also, you receive bonus points if you own a summer house on the cape.
there are still 11 good marrying months left in 2008, so you have a while to make it all happen. please leave proposals in my comments, as well as suggestions for marching music and reception/honeymoon locations.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
how blissee got her mojo back
somehow it finally happened.
2008 gave me back what 2007 had stolen from me:
my mojo.
from day 1 of 2008, things that had long been ambiguous and fuzzy started to precipitate out and come into focus. with this new clarity, i began to feel the spring come back into my step.
boing
boing
boing
whether it was lust (i finally hooked up with someone i should have hooked up with 12 years ago and cleared all of that weird energy from my life), or friendship (i got rid of a few crappy pals and started to see the important ones more often), or career (I GOT A JOB!!!), every aspect of my life has been slowly and steadily improving over the last 13 days. halle-fricking-luiah.
2008 is my bff (sorry jill).
2008 is also the bff of quite a few of my other bffs. bffs like:
erin: my friend erin (far left) finally got a job. erin will be greening the washington dc "capital campus". look for a more sustainable congress any day now.
ariel: my hott sister ariel got into dalhousie university in halifax, nova scotia.
justin: my brother justin got a promotion at work. he still doesn't like his job, but at least he's getting paid more to be dissatisfied.
friend x: friend x will find out in a few weeks why his/her life is about to vastly improve. (i can't say anything more than that, but don't worry. . . i'm not pregnant with friend x's baby or anything like that).
the next photo doesn't have a lot to do with 2008, but i finally got to see ryanee after at least a month of busy and conflicting schedules and i forgot how much i loved him. RYANEE...HOW AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU BEHIND WHEN I TAKE THIS NEW JOB??? i'm never going to find another adorable boy to watch vintage 70s pr0n with.
more about my new job in the next post. pay close attention...i might just be coming soon to a city near you.
also, if anyone wants to take the R (responsibility) for planning my good-bye party i won't complain and i can provide that superstar with a list of people who should be invited. my guess is that i'll be leaving in late feb/early march, but i should know more in a few weeks.
2008 -- WELCOME TO MY LIFE. please make yourself comfortable and know that you can stay for as long as you want. keep up the good work and i might even start making you breakfast in bed each morning.
2008 gave me back what 2007 had stolen from me:
my mojo.
from day 1 of 2008, things that had long been ambiguous and fuzzy started to precipitate out and come into focus. with this new clarity, i began to feel the spring come back into my step.
boing
boing
boing
whether it was lust (i finally hooked up with someone i should have hooked up with 12 years ago and cleared all of that weird energy from my life), or friendship (i got rid of a few crappy pals and started to see the important ones more often), or career (I GOT A JOB!!!), every aspect of my life has been slowly and steadily improving over the last 13 days. halle-fricking-luiah.
2008 is my bff (sorry jill).
2008 is also the bff of quite a few of my other bffs. bffs like:
erin: my friend erin (far left) finally got a job. erin will be greening the washington dc "capital campus". look for a more sustainable congress any day now.
ariel: my hott sister ariel got into dalhousie university in halifax, nova scotia.
justin: my brother justin got a promotion at work. he still doesn't like his job, but at least he's getting paid more to be dissatisfied.
friend x: friend x will find out in a few weeks why his/her life is about to vastly improve. (i can't say anything more than that, but don't worry. . . i'm not pregnant with friend x's baby or anything like that).
the next photo doesn't have a lot to do with 2008, but i finally got to see ryanee after at least a month of busy and conflicting schedules and i forgot how much i loved him. RYANEE...HOW AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU BEHIND WHEN I TAKE THIS NEW JOB???
more about my new job in the next post. pay close attention...i might just be coming soon to a city near you. also, if anyone wants to take the R (responsibility) for planning my good-bye party i won't complain and i can provide that superstar with a list of people who should be invited. my guess is that i'll be leaving in late feb/early march, but i should know more in a few weeks.
2008 -- WELCOME TO MY LIFE. please make yourself comfortable and know that you can stay for as long as you want. keep up the good work and i might even start making you breakfast in bed each morning.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
the latest buzz
some of you might remember that i took an entrepreneurship class in 2006. one of the assignments for that class was to think up three invention/business ideas each week and to write a one page summary of each idea.
i started off with outlandish, offbeat, and brilliant ideas, but my TA consistently deducted points for completely bunk reasons. on week four of the quarter i sat down and did some reevaluation. i needed a new strategy. i considered the facts:
-the TA was young
-the TA was male
-the TA was german
-the TA was not particularly attractive, and was undoubtedly sexually frustrated
-the TA always gave me seductive glances from across the room
KABLAM! I FIGURED IT OUT! i would switch from environmental inventions to "adult" inventions...everything from solar powered sex toy kits to recycled fork nipple clamps.
one of my best inventions was called "alarm cock" and consisted of a modified cock ring that was connected through bluetooth or infrared signals (or something similar) to a vibrating pair of women's underwear. designed to make waking up as pleasurable and synchronistic as possible, there were two versions of alarm cock:
1. when the man (who wears the modified cock ring to sleep at night) gets his morning wood, his cock ring expands and sends a signal to his partner's undies. said undies then begin to vibrate. both parties wake at the same time, and both are in the mood to play.
2. the cock ring and undies are hooked up to an external time keeping device (most likely a cell phone via bluetooth), and they vibrate to gently wake the sleepers in the morning. in this case, the pieces are meant to be used separately, and can each be set to vibrate at different times.
all of my sexventions received perfect scores from my TA, as was expected. i didn't ever take any of them to the next level (prototype and business plan), but it looks like i didn't have to. today i stumbled upon jabber jockeys.
"Jabberjockeys consist of a pair of underwear (one male, one female) which discreetly inform a partner when the other gets aroused. By sensing subtle changes in temperature, moisture and pressure the undergarments detect arousal. The underwear automatically notifies the partner by activating vibrating motors sewn into the fabric of their underwear, thus enabling them to discreetly share their heightened emotions."
wow. pretty close to alarm cock, no? it's like i'm a genius before my time. pretty soon people will all be going to special bars where programmable electronic underwear is mandatory and pinging each other's pong is all the rage. you're welcome (in advance). i always knew i was destined for greatness.
ping!
bzzzzzzzzzzz.
yay! do it again!
i started off with outlandish, offbeat, and brilliant ideas, but my TA consistently deducted points for completely bunk reasons. on week four of the quarter i sat down and did some reevaluation. i needed a new strategy. i considered the facts:
-the TA was young
-the TA was male
-the TA was german
-the TA was not particularly attractive, and was undoubtedly sexually frustrated
-the TA always gave me seductive glances from across the room
KABLAM! I FIGURED IT OUT! i would switch from environmental inventions to "adult" inventions...everything from solar powered sex toy kits to recycled fork nipple clamps.
one of my best inventions was called "alarm cock" and consisted of a modified cock ring that was connected through bluetooth or infrared signals (or something similar) to a vibrating pair of women's underwear. designed to make waking up as pleasurable and synchronistic as possible, there were two versions of alarm cock:
1. when the man (who wears the modified cock ring to sleep at night) gets his morning wood, his cock ring expands and sends a signal to his partner's undies. said undies then begin to vibrate. both parties wake at the same time, and both are in the mood to play.
2. the cock ring and undies are hooked up to an external time keeping device (most likely a cell phone via bluetooth), and they vibrate to gently wake the sleepers in the morning. in this case, the pieces are meant to be used separately, and can each be set to vibrate at different times.
all of my sexventions received perfect scores from my TA, as was expected. i didn't ever take any of them to the next level (prototype and business plan), but it looks like i didn't have to. today i stumbled upon jabber jockeys.
"Jabberjockeys consist of a pair of underwear (one male, one female) which discreetly inform a partner when the other gets aroused. By sensing subtle changes in temperature, moisture and pressure the undergarments detect arousal. The underwear automatically notifies the partner by activating vibrating motors sewn into the fabric of their underwear, thus enabling them to discreetly share their heightened emotions."wow. pretty close to alarm cock, no? it's like i'm a genius before my time. pretty soon people will all be going to special bars where programmable electronic underwear is mandatory and pinging each other's pong is all the rage. you're welcome (in advance). i always knew i was destined for greatness.
ping!
bzzzzzzzzzzz.
yay! do it again!
Thursday, January 03, 2008
he had me at piecewise continuous function
it all started in 7th grade with mark*. mark was my math teacher, and OH what a math teacher he was. mark was flamingly gay (sometimes he borrowed the language arts teacher's pantyhose), outrageously hot, and mathematically talented beyond belief.
*name changed to protect the mathemagical.
i worshipped the ground mark walked on, and he reciprocated the love (possibly because i was a strange girl with a buzz cut who wore fake horn rimmed glasses and whom everyone thought was a lesbo). i was an outcast. mark was a rebel. together we made love to math at camels hump middle school (there is legitimately no apostrophe in the school's name...chew on that for a while).
mark planted the seeds of mathlove inside of me (and DAMN i wish he had planted more than that....). mark also let his classes watch pee wee's playhouse when they behaved, which gives him more street cred than any other teacher i've ever had. i'm convinced that one year of mark math is what turned me into an insatiable fag hag/gaysha.
but i digress.
it all started in 7th grade, but my obsession with math teachers is apparently far from over.
enter barrett.
barrett is a backwoods-dwelling vermont transplant who has the fricking reimann sum tattooed on his arm. how could i have possibly resisted? don't tell me that looking at a math tattoo doesn't make you just want to drop trou' and let the tattooed one find the area under your curves, stroke your cartesian form, and spank your asymptote. H-O-T-T. here's a close-up for your hedonistic enjoyment:
oh mathman...
converge upon my bounded sequence
show me your power rule
bind my function
talk to me about explicit differentiation
explore my limits
seriously...just look at this adorable little monster...he smiles like he means it. that's so hot.
you know those people who separate their lips, bear their teeth, and pretend that qualifies as a smile? you know you do, and if you don't then i know more than enough of them to overcompensate for your shortcoming. my absolute pet peeve is people who smile like that. they always end up looking uncomfortable and creepy or completely cracked out of their minds. they're probably the same kind of people who give limpdick handshakes, which is my other absolute pet peeve.
barrett doesn't do that. barrett's smiles are concave up. i must admit, the boy kind-of sucks ass at sudoku, but his mom is a clown, so i forgive him. oh yes, i said clown. and just look at his grizzly bear impression:
it's almost as good as mine. RHOMBUS!
i'm not saying that i want to play multiplication games with him or anything, but i sure wouldn't mind numerating his denominator.
extras:
1. want to play the "spot the fake smile game"? it's bound to be legit since it's a bbc game. i got 15 out of 20. not so shabby.
2. my favorite slightly math-related cartoon of all time is adventure time.
3. my second favorite slightly math-related cartoon of all time is the dot and the line.
*name changed to protect the mathemagical.
i worshipped the ground mark walked on, and he reciprocated the love (possibly because i was a strange girl with a buzz cut who wore fake horn rimmed glasses and whom everyone thought was a lesbo). i was an outcast. mark was a rebel. together we made love to math at camels hump middle school (there is legitimately no apostrophe in the school's name...chew on that for a while).
mark planted the seeds of mathlove inside of me (and DAMN i wish he had planted more than that....). mark also let his classes watch pee wee's playhouse when they behaved, which gives him more street cred than any other teacher i've ever had. i'm convinced that one year of mark math is what turned me into an insatiable fag hag/gaysha.
but i digress.
it all started in 7th grade, but my obsession with math teachers is apparently far from over.
enter barrett.
barrett is a backwoods-dwelling vermont transplant who has the fricking reimann sum tattooed on his arm. how could i have possibly resisted? don't tell me that looking at a math tattoo doesn't make you just want to drop trou' and let the tattooed one find the area under your curves, stroke your cartesian form, and spank your asymptote. H-O-T-T. here's a close-up for your hedonistic enjoyment:
oh mathman...converge upon my bounded sequence
show me your power rule
bind my function
talk to me about explicit differentiation
explore my limits
seriously...just look at this adorable little monster...he smiles like he means it. that's so hot.
you know those people who separate their lips, bear their teeth, and pretend that qualifies as a smile? you know you do, and if you don't then i know more than enough of them to overcompensate for your shortcoming. my absolute pet peeve is people who smile like that. they always end up looking uncomfortable and creepy or completely cracked out of their minds. they're probably the same kind of people who give limpdick handshakes, which is my other absolute pet peeve.barrett doesn't do that. barrett's smiles are concave up. i must admit, the boy kind-of sucks ass at sudoku, but his mom is a clown, so i forgive him. oh yes, i said clown. and just look at his grizzly bear impression:
it's almost as good as mine. RHOMBUS!i'm not saying that i want to play multiplication games with him or anything, but i sure wouldn't mind numerating his denominator.
extras:
1. want to play the "spot the fake smile game"? it's bound to be legit since it's a bbc game. i got 15 out of 20. not so shabby.
2. my favorite slightly math-related cartoon of all time is adventure time.
3. my second favorite slightly math-related cartoon of all time is the dot and the line.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
waiting for godot
i had hoped that i would wake up on this first day of 2008 with something brilliant to blog about.
something insightful.
something inspirational.
something that would forever alter civilization.
instead, i woke up slightly hungover from a champagne and grey goose binge.
the afternoon didn't do me any better.
1/1/2008 is now drawing to a close, and this evening feels exactly the same as just about every evening in 2007: i'm nestled in my ill-fitting striped hanna andersson pajamas, my room is a pig sty, i want chocolate ice cream for dinner, and i am avoiding basic necessities like opening mail, paying bills, and applying to jobs.
while my 2008 epiphany has not yet occurred, i have had the chance to do a bit of reflection on the past year.
for the last 6 months i've felt like my life has been on hold, and i've used that as an excuse to be a complete lazy sack of crap. i don't have a permanent job, which means i don't have a permanent place to live (i've been living with my parents in order to avoid growing roots), which means i am basically in life's deepest level of limbo. examples:
- i don't have a gym membership, because i don't know what gym chains there will be in the city/town i end up moving to. as a result, i am a sloth who never works out.
- i justify not doing volunteer work because i won't be able to make a long term commitment to any organization.
- i don't date people, because i don't want to accidentally like any of them and then feel like i have to take the relationship into consideration when choosing where to move.
- i haven't joined the glide ensemble because i've convinced myself that by the time i learn the songs i will be booking my plane ticket.
- i haven't started writing my book (sorry, scariel) because i don't feel centered enough to do it, nor do i have a fancy old school new england writing desk to write it at, which for some reason i feel is a pre-req.
i should mention that the one ironic part about all of this is that the one pseudo job offer i have on the table right now is for a job in san francisco, which is, ooooooooooooh, approximately where i am right now.
at a certain point, i have to ask myself, "what am i waiting for?" when am i going to just start living again? every day i wake up and tell myself that i will be packing to move in under a month. i've been telling myself that for six months now. I AM STILL HERE. I AM STILL INTERVIEWING FOR THE SAME JOBS I'VE BEEN INTERVIEWING FOR SINCE AUGUST. nothing is changing, which means that ::i:: need to.
so here's to 2008: a year of change, renewal, beginnings and endings.
may this year find all of my friends and family in good health, may it bring me a JOB and HEALTH INSURANCE, may it be rife with love, and may i receive no more phone calls or emails that contain the word, "cancer" or, "dying".
if 2008 can't bring me those things, than may it bring me enough booze to forget about everything i won't want to remember.
amen, auld lang syne, noise makers, and all of that other shit.
xoxo
blissfuckingrockstarfork
something insightful.
something inspirational.
something that would forever alter civilization.
instead, i woke up slightly hungover from a champagne and grey goose binge.
the afternoon didn't do me any better.
1/1/2008 is now drawing to a close, and this evening feels exactly the same as just about every evening in 2007: i'm nestled in my ill-fitting striped hanna andersson pajamas, my room is a pig sty, i want chocolate ice cream for dinner, and i am avoiding basic necessities like opening mail, paying bills, and applying to jobs.
while my 2008 epiphany has not yet occurred, i have had the chance to do a bit of reflection on the past year.
for the last 6 months i've felt like my life has been on hold, and i've used that as an excuse to be a complete lazy sack of crap. i don't have a permanent job, which means i don't have a permanent place to live (i've been living with my parents in order to avoid growing roots), which means i am basically in life's deepest level of limbo. examples:
- i don't have a gym membership, because i don't know what gym chains there will be in the city/town i end up moving to. as a result, i am a sloth who never works out.
- i justify not doing volunteer work because i won't be able to make a long term commitment to any organization.
- i don't date people, because i don't want to accidentally like any of them and then feel like i have to take the relationship into consideration when choosing where to move.
- i haven't joined the glide ensemble because i've convinced myself that by the time i learn the songs i will be booking my plane ticket.
- i haven't started writing my book (sorry, scariel) because i don't feel centered enough to do it, nor do i have a fancy old school new england writing desk to write it at, which for some reason i feel is a pre-req.
i should mention that the one ironic part about all of this is that the one pseudo job offer i have on the table right now is for a job in san francisco, which is, ooooooooooooh, approximately where i am right now.
at a certain point, i have to ask myself, "what am i waiting for?" when am i going to just start living again? every day i wake up and tell myself that i will be packing to move in under a month. i've been telling myself that for six months now. I AM STILL HERE. I AM STILL INTERVIEWING FOR THE SAME JOBS I'VE BEEN INTERVIEWING FOR SINCE AUGUST. nothing is changing, which means that ::i:: need to.
so here's to 2008: a year of change, renewal, beginnings and endings.
may this year find all of my friends and family in good health, may it bring me a JOB and HEALTH INSURANCE, may it be rife with love, and may i receive no more phone calls or emails that contain the word, "cancer" or, "dying".if 2008 can't bring me those things, than may it bring me enough booze to forget about everything i won't want to remember.
amen, auld lang syne, noise makers, and all of that other shit.
xoxo
blissfuckingrockstarfork
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