we're looking for someone a bit less interesting

don't get me wrong...i get it.

i understand why i had the hardest possible time in the universe finding a job.

my greatest asset is also my greatest liability: i can not be put into a box or neatly labeled and filed away. i break the mold, i define myself differently depending on when you ask me to do the defining, and i won't hide who i am, even when it would behoove me to do so.

many interviewers want to talk about my experience working for jetBlue, but once i start excitedly explaining the adrenaline rush of marshalling in an aircraft or the pure fun of zooming around the tarmac on a belt loader, the interviewers get nervous that i might return to the aviation industry, and suddenly they start to imagine i'm incapable of running command and control pollution policy analyses.

other interviewers want to hear about the underwater coral reef research i have done, but then after listening to me discuss my thesis on marine protected areas and my coursework in the caribbean, they think i'm destined for an outdoor job where i get to play with fish all day long. alas, they won't hire me to market their new green product line.

i feel like if interviewers were privy to a short series of questions and answers fleshing out just how fantastic i am, they would find me a bit more compelling, and hire me BECAUSE of my scatterplot nature. i'm imagining something like this:

Q. hey bliss, my desk is acting weird. can you weld it back together for me?
A. yes, i do arc welding, resistance welding (aka spot welding), and gas welding.

Q. hey bliss, our company caterer just bailed out on us and we have to somehow find food for 60 people asap. have you ever cooked for 60 people?
A. yes, i have cooked for groups of 60 people on multiple occasions. pick a cuisine and throw me a sous chef and you need not worry.

Q. what about building a structure from blueprints?
A. done it.

Q. can you sail?
A. i got a perfect score on my final exam in sailing class, and my half hitch makes all the sailor boys swoon.
Q. can you operate an industrial paint mixing computer and related equipment?
A. check.

Q. build a toilet using only a shovel, some rope, trees, and a saw?
A. where do you want it, and would you like me to throw in a thatched roof for free?

Q. can you tutor my son in geometry?
A. consider it done. do you need proof? (joke for nerds...)

Q. are you any good at navigation?
A. give me a compass and a thomas guide and i'll put any vehicular gps system to shame.i could go on.

it just doesn't compute to hiring managers that while i can wax poetic for hours on how to best set up a data center for energy efficiency (including discussion points on crac units, outside air economizers, raised floors, and gel cooling), i can also sew a mermaid costume from scratch, bake a chocolate souffle that never falls, sell someone on why they should install solar panels on their home (and help them apply for the right rebates), rattle off the regular and promoted price of tide 100 oz at every major national chain, counsel kids on why they should not join gangs, lead an orienteering class, and break into a ford f150 in under 5 minutes using only a wire coat hanger.

i love not fitting into a discrete bin, but at the same time, it makes me unemployable to any and all who do not understand that i really am smart enough to be good at all of the above, and then some.

i'm silly good at almost everything i do EXCEPT sports, making beds, maintaining equanimity, understanding how gravity works, fixing cars, and keeping my mouth shut and my clothes on when i'm drunk.

ummmm...and ironing. i doubt i will ever get better at ironing, and i really miss my two favorite ironing gurus (my ex-boyfriend bucky who learned how to iron in the marines & my former roommate kiki who burned two shirts, but was REALLY good at pressing corners into pants).

please note that i'm not claiming to be excellent at everything i do. i am a jill of all trades, but really only a master of 3 trades...maybe 4 if you count napping as a trade.

anyhow, i have a job now, so blah blah blah and also: the end.

one more thing -- i actually like britney spears' latest album.
sigh. zomg i feel so much better now.
i just couldn't keep that confession inside of me any longer. it was burning me up inside.