love is in the air

if you are a boy, please do not try to hump me.

i'm not kidding.

as of sunday, february 3rd, i am officially embarking on a year long biological project. that's right, sporto, on sunday morning instead of waking up early to pop a birth control into my mouth i am delightfully going to sleeeeeeeep in.

no pill on monday either.
tuesday? nope.
well come on then, at the very least i'm probably going to take one on HUMP day. no, no i am not.
i am going to go an entire year without an ortho tri-cyclen lo tablet coming anywhere near me.

to be clear, i'm not trying to get preggers. i have no desire to be a single mother, nor do i look forward to my stretch marks multiplying or waking up in the middle of the night to cravings for powdered tide and plant dirt sundaes with pickles on top.

i am conducting this experiment because i'm worried that the pill might be throwing off my natural ability to choose a suitable mate. it seems like everywhere i turn i discover a new article on birth control pills interfering with a woman's ability to sniff out an appropriate partner, eventually leading her to breed with a man who has too similar of an MHC profile (which can cause fertility problems or (probably) wicked ugly babies). the women in my family are not exactly known for choosing suitable partners to begin with, so throw in this additional road block and i feel doomed from the get-go.

the basic concept is as follows: the pill tricks a woman's body into thinking it's already pregnant. that said, these women prefer smells that remind them of home and kin. instead of being attracted to men with different MHC profiles (which is normal and healthy), their natural preferences are reversed, and they may feel attracted to men who have similar MHC profiles to themselves, their brothers, and their fathers. in terms of pure physicality, psychologists have found that women who are taking the pill tend to fancy macho-macho-men with strong jaw lines and prominent cheekbones. women who are not taking the pill, however, seem to be more likely to go for more sensitive types without traditionally masculine features. these sensitive types are likely to be better long-term matches (read this bbc article for more info).

you might be wondering what the big deal is. well, the big deal is 3-fold:

1. couples experiencing difficulty conceiving a child share significantly more of their MHC than do couples who conceive more easily.
2. as the proportion of MHC alleles increases, women's sexual responsiveness to their partners decreases, and their number of sex partners outside the relationship increases. in fact, the number of MHC genes couples share corresponds directly with the likelihood that they will cheat on one another; if a man and woman have 50 percent of their MHC alleles in common, the woman has a 50 percent chance of sleeping with another man behind her partner's back.
3. when a woman chooses her partner while she is on the pill, and then comes off it to have a child, she may find she is married to the wrong man.

there are more than a few researchers who suggest that single women should forgo the pill until they're sure they've met their match, because taking the pill appears to change women's taste in men. alas, that is exactly what i am going to do. call it smart. call it science. call it whatever you want. i'll call it an attempt to find a partner who will give me happy, healthy children and who won't screw his secretary behind my back.

if you want more information on the studies, check out the article in this month's psychology today. i sent the link to one of my female friends, and within hours of reading it she, too, decided to get off of the pill.

it's not as if it's a small sacrifice for my me and my friend to go pill-free. i'm going to get debilitating cramps (so painful that i may have to pull over onto the side of the road if i'm driving when they strike). i will also probably get a horrendous underground zit on my chin every month, and suffer from a much heavier bloodstorm (boys, that one was for you. i hope it grossed you out.). my friend is going to get an irregular cycle and god knows what else. i can only hope that i also get some positive side effects too. i would love to get my sex drive back, as it's been awol for almost 7 years now. i also wouldn't mind dropping 10 pounds lickity split (although i'm not positive that going on the pill ever made me gain weight).

one more thing for any of you out there who might make your livings as strippers: a study at UNM concluded that non-pill-using exotic dancers make about 50 percent more in tips than dancers on oral contraceptives. In other words, women who are on the pill are only about two-thirds as sexy as women who aren't.

girls, keep your boys locked up tight, because my long-lost third is coming tumbling out next week, and you just never know where it will end up.